Night garden, ghost plants....loss

The Dusty Miller's show up nice at night, don't they? I call them ghost plants. I like to garden at night, or just sit out there in the moonlight. Alone. It's not depressing, it's comforting to me. I haven't been able to talk to anyone lately, I go through spells like that. My Internet friends wonder what's wrong with me and my real life friends, well, some of them know I'm like that sometimes, some of them wonder too. I feel bad about it, but, that's just the way it is. I can't change it. Doctors call it anti-social disorder or reclusive something or other. I don't think I'm at all anti-social. I do well in social situations, shoot, I can talk to anyone about anything. I like people fine. It's just that sometimes, I have to be alone. I could be alone for weeks or months and be fine. People shouldn't worry or be upset about it. No one should take it personally. Once I bought a farm, moved there and talked to no one for a year. I don't know why. I was not depressed though. And I'm not depressed now.

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I have a funeral to go to in the morning. I've been to several funerals in the last few months, all people who were parents of my friends. People I'd known for decades. It's that time in life when families change because of the natural order of things. I feel bad for my friends though. When I cry at funerals, it's for the living. For their loss. It's hard to see them so hurt. But, all of us will face it, sooner or later. It IS part of the circle. Except when the dead person is young. Then it's really unfair and I don't think you can get over that. Nope. You just learn to go on...to get used to it. You never get over it.

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Blogging about celebrities helped me go on. They are so ridiculous, it made meaningless chatter in my life where there was a big fresh hole. There is still a hole, there always will be. In my mind it is on the right side of me, the entire right side. I don't know why, in my mind that was always Eric's place. It can't be filled. But, with time, it becomes less jagged. Less likely to cut you when you look there.

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And sooo......life is alright. Celebrities are really boring me though. Some, a few, I admire. Most, I do not. I can't go there today. How many times can you write about some one's shoes or hair? And why the fuck do cell phones get launch parties? Really? A party for a phone..think on that one. And "awareness." Oh, for craps sake. We are aware, aren't we? I'm aware that they bore me. I think I have satisfied my curiosity about celebrities. Maybe it's time to shut Dirty Disher down. But, then I'd lose all my cool posters. It's quite the conundrum, eh? If this is the worst thing in my life right now, and it is, I'm alright. Blogging is like Prozac or Paxil for people that don't want to take Prozac or Paxil. I think I'll make more coffee and ponder it.