Friday, June 26, 2009

Peas, lettuce and old ladies



Peas climbing the fence and blossoming. I like the tendrils which wrap and wrap around the wire and cling to it much like Kate Gosselin clings to freebies. Speaking of freebies...that's something my family has in common with gimmie gimmie Kate. If it's free, they want it. It doesn't matter what it is, or even if they don't know what it is..if it's free, they want it. They want a dozen of it. Especially if it's free from the government. I live in Guntown where government groceries are considered legal tender.
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I got up today with the idea that I'd have a whole day alone. I don't know where I get off with these crazy ideas. Really, I don't. I was still in my nightgown when Mom came over here and I took one look at her and I knew. She had her goin' to town polyester on and her purse over her arm. The old ladies had to have me run them to the senior citizens center because they were giving away free coupons for the farmers market. It's some free government program to help old people eat better. Key word being FREE. Never mind that they don't really need it. Never mind that they get pissed off every time they go down there. Jesus christ. It's already hotter than a truck stop grill and my coffee wasn't even perked yet. I know when I'm fucked though, there's no fighting it.
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I got dressed, bid a fond farewell to the coffee and went. It takes forever to get them both in the car. Driving Miss Crazy old geezers. Aunt Ruth had to describe everything in the backseat in detail. Like I've never seen my backseat. Mom said my car was dirty. She pulled out a handy wipe and swiped at the dust. Have I ever told you about her house?? It's like, shut the fuck up and go clean your cockroach den, but, of course I can't say that. If they could read minds, I'd be in trouble.
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And they think they're real funny. Corny shit early in the morning with no coffee or even a cigarette. "Remember that funny drunk old man that used to stagger down the middle of this here street shooting his gun at everyone? Bawww, har har." (That was dad, and every man in our family.) They said I have no sense of humor and don't know what fun is.
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They finally got their free government coupons (and got pissed off as usual by paperwork and lines)..I was a sweltering mess. So I asked them, what the fuck can you get at the farmers market free that you can't get out of my garden free? What? I really want to know. They had no answer to that. I'm obviously crazy and it's FREE. Free from the government. You know what they got? Lettuce. By God, garden lettuce is good. Free garden lettuce from a government program. I have twenty feet of the most beautiful lettuce you ever saw here. Three different kinds. Last night I picked and cleaned two grocery bags full of it for them. I told them they need to go pick lettuce anytime. I also planted them a kitchen garden. 10 feet outside their backdoor is more perfect lettuce going to waste. Fuck my lettuce, fuck their lettuce, they want free government lettuce. The government has screwed them all their lives so the government owes them old wilted lettuce and, by God they're going to have it. Free.
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It is now 11:30 am and I am finally back home. They are over there happy as pigs in shit. They screwed the government. Aint it grand?

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

ROFLMAO. sorry you had to suffer...but it is pretty funny. those old ladies are sure terrors.i am covered up in crazies myself....and suprised i am not dead from a heat stroke already from driving them around on pointless errands.i get it, and thanks for the smile:)

gardenhoe said...

YOU do this too? Fark! Today my mom said I have a bad attitude and threatened to get a drivers license. Pffffft. That'll be the day.

gardenhoe said...

When the free government watermelons get ripe they'll probably shit themselves.

Anonymous said...

Oh Oh Oh! You should sooo link up with that reluctant witch and put a little spell on them..not a mean one of course because they're family...a funny one that will make you snicker every time you see them. Like all they want to do for a whole week is take care of your garden exactly the way you do, and run you around different places. You know, awesome shit like that!

gardenhoe said...

I should throw a spell where they can't say stoopid shit for a whole week. That would be different.

Miss Muffet said...

Those Miss Crazy Old Geezers are inhuman; nothing should come before morning coffee!

shmed said...

When the free government watermelons get ripe they'll probably shit themselves.
........Yeah, and you'll probably get stuck shlepping it home for them. LOL

Nina said...

Pat....
I'm sorry....but...as much as I can only imagine the suffering you endure...I am LMFAO...I can't help it. It's like reading the very best comedic fiction.

Pay their crazy ole asses back and become a millionaire off their antics! Write that book! If your not into lengthy, plotted works. Do a collection of essays. Just like your do in here. It's slice of life and people eat it up just like we do.

I fear you might be getting ready to tell me to shove my book idea right up my own crazy ass, but I can't see talent like this go for free. I'd be willing to pay for a book on this and so would many others....I'll shut up now....

gardenhoe said...

This kind of shit is the tip of the crazy iceburg, trust me. You have no idea what growing up with them was like. My brother is in a mental health facility and they liked him.

Corina said...

i have no clue how you could put up with that shit day after day, i have NO tolerance for lack of logic! :-o

misstiajournal said...

do they get gub'ment cheese too??