Maybe I should have used Cabbages as a euphemism, since Cabbages have heads and mine range from beautiful to deformed, to totally destroyed this year, but, anyway..I was looking at websites about different mental illness's and personality disorders. If I can figure out my family, I may stand a small chance of dealing with them in a better way. The trouble is, there's so many of them, and they're all crazy in different ways. Since I was raised by this pack of idiots, it stand to reason that I am terribly flawed too. But, I recognize my own problems..social disorder, reclusiveness, inner rage. My problems are not hidden. At least, I don't think so. I think the time has come to find out more about mental problems and psychological disorders.*
Can you guys find the time to tell me some things on here? Maybe something will strike a chord with me and I'll be able to read more about it. I know there are some of you who have family members (by blood or marriage) that have serious mental disorders. I don't care if it's guessing or an actual diagnosis. Can you tell me a bit about the person you deal with and what kind of symptoms manifest? How does it affect you and how do you deal with it?
21 comments:
BTW, I looked up narcissistic disorder. I was happy to see that, except for the rage, it doesn't fit me. Whew. I don't think it fits my mom either, though a few things did. But, that's the most fascinating disorder! If anyone deals with that or has a website about it, I'd love to read it.
Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder
By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
June 22, 2007
The main feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive.
This disorder occurs in most by early adulthood. The unstable pattern of interacting with others has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person’s self-image and early social interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings (e.g., not just at work or home) and often is accompanied by a similar lability (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) in a person’s emotions and feelings. Relationships and the person’s emotion may often be characterized as being shallow.
A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
more at http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/
on causes:
There is strong evidence to support a link between distressing childhood experiences, particularly involving caregivers, and BPD. The types of experiences that may be associated with BPD include, but are not limited to, physical and sexual abuse, early separation from caregivers, emotional or physical neglect, emotional abuse, and parental insensitivity. Marsha Linehan, the developer of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for BPD, believes that BPD is caused by an interaction between biological factors and an "emotionally invalidating" childhood environment (or an environment where the child's emotional needs are not met).
more at:
http://bpd.about.com/od/causesofbpd/a/CausesBPD.htm
people with BPD that i have to deal with daily include my 84 year old mother, my (ex) husband, and my daughter's boyfriend(they live next door). what..i am a magnet with a sign on it?????
i will write you more about my mother later---i'm in the midst of trying to find my yard today :D but she was/is (she's still alive but you couldn't pay me a $1 billion to ever talk to her or anyone in my family ever again) INSANE....
well since i'm typing now...i'll type some for ya....
she was narcissistic, everything was about her her her....she had a host of other problems too...she wanted a baby so someone would be totally dependent on her and she could totally control them but alas, the fates played with her and she got ME....
i would get in trouble for waking up (i was suppose to die over night)...i would get in trouble for being in my room (i was up to something according to her) and would have to go sit in the front of the television, but then i was yelled at for doing that....i was not allowed to have friends but i would get yelled at for not having friends....i would get yelled at for not helping in the house, but when i asked what i could do i was yelled at that i couldn't do anything in the house because she would have to redo it...
she tried to choke me to death numerous times and to this day i cannot wear anything tight around my neck...when i was 4 i was the flower girl at one of her friend's weddings and at the reception the bride groom gave me alcohol and molested me....i had to go to the hospital (it was the 1970s and iowa so they did nothing re: criminal charges) and my mother called me a drunken slut! i mean i was FOUR YEARS OLD!! the bride got the marriage annulled over what happened and my mother called me a HOMEWRECKER....
i was constantly told i was ugly, stupid, worthless....the schools tried to move me up a few grades as they IQ tested me but my mother wouldn't allow them because she maintained i cheated on those tests....
just constant....and growing up, i thought everyone else had a similar home life....when others were around she was alright, so i figured everyone was like that....at age 7 i had an epiphany that SHE was the problem not me, and i stopped wishing i was dead at that point....
when i left for college i saw other parents hugging their kids goodbye, parents/kids telling each other they loved them and something clicked....my parents never hugged me, never told me they loved me and i started to observe other kids and their parents....i started to realize how totally fucked up my childhood was and how totally fucked up my mother was....
i started going to counseling and after about 2 years i decided i needed to cut my mother out of my life....my counselor at the time was aghast---"that's your mother!" mind you this was the same counselor who cried when i told her some of the stuff that happened to me...so i said, look, if i was in a relationship with a guy who constantly put me down, told me i was worthless and no good, would you tell me to STAY with them? and she said "no"....
PART II, had to break this into 2...
the last time i talked to my mother was in 1995...i had remained in ohio so we were limited to phone contact....i was telling her i was getting a new job and she started in with how i was stupid for getting a different job and on and on and on and so i asked her why she talked to me if i was so stupid and she said "someone has to talk to you because no one else would"...i hung up and that was it....
some other gems from my mother....when i was shoveling an elderly neighbors walk and she was trying to phone me when i finally got in the house and answered the phone and told her what i was doing she said i had better charged that person money! when i said i would never ever charge an elderly neighbor money to shovel a walk, but had accepted a cup of tea she of course started that i was stupid....
about a year before i stopped talking to her i took a bf to iowa...he observed that my mother was operating on jealously against me and perhaps he was right...
my father was totally passive and whereas he did nothing against me....he did nothing against me and that is the problem there...
i cut off everyone else too because i know most of the family on both sides knew she was fucking nuts and did nothing to help me....especially her side of the family...when she was 15 and was babysitting a cousin she put a pitchfork thru his foot...they knew she was nuts!
when i was 4 years old i had a dream where there was 3 different 'moms'...one was at the stove bitching about how she had to do everything, another was coming towards me with her arms outstretched to choke me, and another was laying on the couch complaining how she never got any peace with such a brat as me....
i mastered sarcasm at an early age too...she once said "i don't deserve a child like you" and i said "no you don't"....she wasn't very smart and she didn't pick up on what i meant....
i hid in music and books....thanks to her i have PTSD...
breaks over...sorry this was so long....gotta go back to yard work!
Pat,
What about doing a podcast of your stories?
Ever consider that?
done with yard work for the day...my mother also expected people to give her things and if she didn't get anything she would shun those people...if she felt she had been slighted or hurt you would NEVER hear the end of it...until i stopped talking to her i had to hear about how when she was in the hospital having me my father didn't water her carrot plant and it died and it was MY fault....she couldn't maintain friendships....she didn't like to leave the house and when she did she was quiet...
a friend who still reads the local yocal paper told me my paternal grandmother died and it got me to thinking about all the lies my mother told me about her and my father's family, which made me shun them...
when my mother's mother died in 1995 i heard that when she was phoned and told she hung up on the person calling! then she tried to take all of her mother's belongings!
nothing was ever 'fun' with her, you could never be relaxed...just sheer hell....i swear i have a crew of spirits who look out for me!!!
until i met you DD, i referred to iowa as 'the mental state'....but i know have an * after it, as you are the exception! :)
if you have a hundred dollars laying around (yeah i know :P) you should really pick up a college textbook on general psych. Usually i can't understand a thing from a textbook but, this one (the 7th edition: http://www.davidmyers.org/Brix?pageID=104) is really great.
The thing about understanding psychological disorders is there are 3 main types, Anxiety, Mood, and Personality. From there you could go on and on. If you are interested i could type up my notes from class. It is sooo interesting.
As far as personal experiance, I only have some with anxiety and mood disorders. I myself have Severe Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and i think we all know people who are bipolar or depressed.
And just a side note, Miss Tia - wow. I'm sorry you had to go through all that crap. And i thought my childhood was shit. Good for you for turning out to be a somewhat sane person!
misstiajournal,
Good for you for having the fortitude to see the abuse for what it is, and to eliminate he from your life at such an early age. There are so many people walking amongst us that have a variety of disorders and dysfunctions of varying degrees. It seems, the magnitude of your mothers' fucked up-ness can be matched by very few.
My mom moved out when I was 12, and shortly after that my brother moved away and my dad would be gone for a week, (for work, and then come home for a week only to work 12 hr. days 7 days a week, and then go away for a week. This went on for many months.
I have, over the years, gone months without talking to my mom. When I was in college, she came to visit me and take me out to lunch. Before the food was even on the table, I was walking to catch a bus ride home to get away from her crazy ass.
I live 12 hours away from her now. So, I really only just talk on the phone. If she starts with her judging....I quickly call her on it. She's not so bad that I would cut her out. I do love her, and tell her often. But, would I want to go on vacation with her? No!
Her mother, from what little I have heard, was a total bitch. Called her kids names and nothing was ever good enough, never could manage a compliment. My mom left home, and left the entire country, when she herself was only 17. I'm guessing things weren't so peachy at home in order for her to do that. LOL
I'm really sorry to hear of the abuse you suffered as a kid, but it sounds as though you have a good grip on reality.
Do you have siblings?
Sorry, don't mean to be a commenting pig here.....
My commute is a couple of hours during the week. I was listening to the radio and was pissed hearing all the crap D.J.'s were saying about M.J.; I'd like people to stop omitting the fact that he got away with being a serial child molester because of his money.
For me, the genious of his music is tainted by the truth that he was a master manipulator that abused kids!
If you care to watch a tell-it-like-like-it-is interview with Maureen Orth, you can do so HERE
Also, an extensive article about the child molester's trial is HERE
in my extended family we have several people with borderline personality disorder. seems to me the main symptom-at least most noticeable-is that these folks all had crappy, abusive childhoods, and they are holding tremendous amounts of anger that come out when they are stressed.
miss tia -and i thought my childhood sucked!!good for you.. you are one of the amazing resilient people who somehow survive terrible abuse, get away from the abuser, and come out sane. your story is inspiring!
Ok, i dug up my notes. This is what i have on personality disorders:
Personality Disorders are defined as inflexible and enduring behavior problems without depression and delusions. Generally they know they are differant, but like who they are. Most are "weird without the crazy". The three general types are Avoidant (social withdrawl, fearful of rejection), Eccentric (strange behavior, emotional disengagment), and Excitable (inappropriate levels of emotion, dramatic, impulsive).
Under the umbrella of Personality disorders is also Anti-Social Personality Disorder which is common among men and is generally the disorder serial killers and other "psychopaths" have. It is known by a lack of guilt for wrong doings and loss of empathy sometimes stemming from screwed up childhoods.
Obviously this doesn't go in very deep, but it kind of gives you a structure to work from when reasearching (can you see my OCD? lol)
I will share Pat. I was raised in a household with a Mother and a sister with severe Bipolar disorder (Manic Depression).
They had very high highs. I never really saw the lows because once they went batshit with the highs, they went to the hospital for an extended stay. They both took their medications. That was not the problem, not taking them. If a major stresser came about in their life, it would trigger the high.
Ummm. Sister thought she could play guitar and sing when she could not, never sleeping, talking to themselves, pacing, over spending, hoarding of the things that they bought, over excited, do not have any clue that they are not quite right.
Mom was so bad once that she would be in the hospital for months. They had her come home for weekend furloughs. That was a nightmare for me. She was the classic thorazined patient. Scared the bejesus out of me. Let me say that all of this happened in the 70s. Mom had many electroshock treatments. She could not remember the majority of my baby and toddlerhood. She lost those memories.
My Mom was not abusive in what you would call the classic sense of abuse..verbal, physical, etc. Her abuse was subversive. She was sleeping all the time, had no interest in me or my interests. So I was clothed, fed, dressed, and loved by my father. But not by my mother. Lots of therapy has helped me get over that. It was not her fault. She was damaged from the illness and the EST. More tomorrow if you are interested...
I have a couple of bookmarks on narcissism from when I was trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with my MIL. I stopped dealing with her after she was totally raw with me for about 10 years. She did shit like take DHs pain meds away from after surgery when he was 16 because he was "taking them too much" He had a dry socket from a wisdom tooth extraction. She told a great nephew that his dad "should have killed himself a long time ago" right after he committed suicide. I have way too many examples of vicious behavior. Some day I should write it all up. Dr. Sam Vaknin is a narcissist, but self-aware and has a pretty good website about the disorder.
no, i have no siblings...and thanks y'all for the kind words...i'll have anxiety the rest of my life, but i have always operated on a DEFY mode in life---DEFY my mother by not only being alive, but being a good person!! suceeding in anything is defiance...
what is really weird is my insane neighbor across the street who fakes illnesses, makes her kids sick and is all kinds of psychopathic was also born the same date at my mother, april 12...once she moves i think my life will be calmer...i can't be around april 12 women! until i meet a sane one, that's one of my mottos!!
i think all of us here in pat's garden are resiliant, strong and survivors!! thank you pat for keeping us united on the internets!
MIss Tia, I knew someone who raised you was fucked up. I knew because you get outraged at any unfairness, 'specially when the victim is the underdog or a child. I'm like that too. You also go way out of your way to help neighborhood kids. To make good memories of childhood for them. And you rescue animals. You have turned that horror around and used it for good and you will be remembered well. It's pretty amazing. Thank you for posting that. I like understanding you better..you are one interesting non conformist chick.
Corina, I knew you'd be a wealth of information. You're one smart cutie (have I told you that you look a lot like my daughter?) and I know I can learn from you.
Heidi..I deal with one person who's diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder, the more I learn, the better it, I think.
Coffeebean, I am so curious about Narcissism. Maybe sometime you could tell me some things your MIL did to you. I'm sure we will contine this kind of posting. The nuts are numerous.
Thank you all for the info...and places to start looking.
Heidi, I found this thought interesting.."Sister thought she could play guitar and sing when she could not."
My family has the opposite problem. All of them have artisic or musical talent. Real talent. They seem to have too much drama and craziness to pursue it. I am the only one who studied art and my son was the only one who became a professional musician. I think they all have hidden resentment about that.
Pat,
You are right. Most people with some sort of mental illness has a higher artistic ability. I would say my brothers would tell you they have no problems but one is an artist and the other could play guitar and harmonica.
I was diagnosed with chronic depression about 5 yrs ago..then last year my new therapist decided I was really bipolar 2. I do not believe her but heck..I am on social security for other stuff..that bipolar 2 will seal the deal for me.
So I am artistic. I learn how to play instruments easily. Painting, sewing, gardening, charcoals, watercolors, miniatures,wire work..the list goes on and on. If I get an interest in it..I try to achieve it. But then I think everything I do sucks. LOL
Most bipolars are fine as long as they take their medicine. The older they get, the more they tend to get highs but that is something that can be adjusted.
i have ALWAYS spoken out for the underdog! and passiveness in the face of serious situations irks my ire to no end!!
yep...non-conformist!!! i had someone say i'm a free spirit too once...non-confirming free spirit! :D
There are such interesting people on here! I like this so much better than DD.
yeah, i agree...there's more of a communal spirit here...more a sense of sharing...and all gardens should be shared! :D
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