Thursday, June 25, 2009

Thoughts for the day...staying sane



I like the faces..I like the look of dismay when she unwraps a doll and the pure joy when the package turns out to be Pixar licensed crap...cars! Lis is old enough to talk to me now, she uses words that are too grown up and has some very deep thoughts and questions for a 5 year old. Sometimes that can make me sad, but, sort of proud too. She's basically a happy kid, but, she has her little troubles. And anyone involved with her has to understand that.
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Which brings me to a certain person. And my feelings about that. She's had to find what she needs and what she needed was a daddy. She was devastated when her father died. It's been over a year and in kid time, that's an eternity. Her mother lives with this guy, I'll just call him A. She was living with A for about 6 months when Eric died. Eric always had Lissa two days a week and stopped in to see her on other days. This whole family, on my side, had certain days with her. I'm not going to lie on here and say my son was father of the year. He didn't seem to know what to do with babies. I doubt he changed more than a dozen diapers in her life. What he WAS good at, was making her feel special. Being very patient for short periods of time. He would sit her on his lap and talk to her and she'd sit there quietly staring up at him and listening to him for hours. Eric was a musician, he always had a guitar in his hands. She loved that part of him, she kind of worshipped him and he, in his own way, felt and showed her the same.
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Now Eric's gone and putting aside my own horror at that fact, I have to accept that Lissa kind of chooses her own relationships. She's not the kind of kid who would accept some guy into her life just because her mom chose him. Actually, she could make someone's life Hell if she didn't like them. She likes A, she's grown to care about him. A has his own problems, he's bi-polar and sometimes it gets bad when he doesn't take his meds. I don't know much about bi-polar people. Sometimes he and my ex DIL fight so bad it gets violent and the cops are called in. I try to stay out of that. If my DIL calls and says Lissa needs a safe place to be, I say "bring her." I don't care if it's 3 in the morning. No questions asked. The thing is..I know this stuff sounds really bad..I do..but, I have never felt Lissa is not safe with A. There are certain things I know, I can look in someone's eyes sometimes, or look at their aura and I just know. Sometimes Lis needs a place where she's safe from their loud voices and grown up bullshit. I have never once felt she needs to be safe from A. He's really good with her and if he wasn't, she'd tell me. She tells me everything. And I listen to every word.
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About a month ago, she called him Daddy in front of me. She did it with determination and a certain defiance. She expected me to get mad. But, I know her, it was her way of telling me her decision and that decision was final. I guess she decided what she needed and found it. I have to handle that. I handled it by going into the bathroom and shutting the door and thinking things out before I talked to her. When I came out, we talked and I told her it was fine with me. She said she knows Eric is her real daddy, but, A is now "other daddy." She says A takes her swimming, babysits her sometimes, plays video games with her and teaches her how to play football. When I look in his eyes, I can see a sweet person in there and I can accept this. I appreciate that he's decent to her and seems to have feelings for her.
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So, I'm hoping her mom and A can work out all their crazy problems and become a real family. I don't know if it's going to be a reality though and I worry for the kid. A and DIL seem to aggravate each others volatile qualities at times. And I get pissed off sometimes because I am forced to deal with these two grown ups that I would never in a million years hang out with..but, now I have to deal with them. For the rest of my life. Or, until Liss grows up. Life throws some major shit at you sometimes, that's true. It's hard to watch when a child is ducking the shit storm though. It's unfair and pisses me off.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's good that you feel Lis is safe with A. Usually the boyfriend is the one arrested for beating & harming a child. Not to mention the unspeakable things they seem to dabble in. If he is good to her and is not a perv with her, then good. If he ever "touches" her in an agressive manner or in a "bad" way I hope Lis knows to tell. I don't think her mom would believe her. Her behavior would be different. You would know immediately if he ever hurt her. It's great that you have that kind of relationship with her. If she knows she can tell you anything, anytime then you have a good deal there. And she does need a father. Too bad they fight like that tho. That does damage a child.

gardenhoe said...

Yep, I agree about boy friends. I went through many so called daddy's with my mom. You can bet I'm digilent and onto every game pervs play. I know every right question to ask and every answer to disect. I also pay attention to my gut feelings. Believe me when I tell you, if I had one iota of doubt, I would be in the car driving over there to get her right now.

gardenhoe said...

I have to add a little more about him. He has mental problems and he gets treatment and meds, but, there is a very child like quality about him. I don't understand it, but, he relates to Lissa on that level. It is innocent and strangely sweet.

Anonymous said...

I don't know that it's much consolation but I have Bi-Polar type II and while it's fucking horrible when I don't take my meds I would never ever harm a child. I can't speak for everyone with this illness but hallucinations and delusions (which is what make crazy people do violent things) aren't the main features. It's a real physical illness (you can see the physical damage to neural pathways in the brain via imaging) and I know that it needs real treatment just like my brother's epilepsy. If A becomes more ill sometimes maybe you could remind him of that, too.

Pat said...

Thanks, it's good to hear from someone who has it and understand it. He only gets violent with my DIL and quite franky, she can drive anyone to that sometimes. I know.

I HATE EVERBODY! said...

Enjoyed reading....

Your grand daughter is adorable. I think she is lucky little girl to get the level of care and love that she receives from you.

It can't be easy tho....dealing with her fucked up mother.

Pat said...

And sorry about two diff names. God this blog drives me crazy sometimes. If I'm logged in and posting why the fuck won't it take my log in name? Fucking blogger.

Pat said...

It's never easy dealing with her mental problems, 'specially when she claims she doesn't have any. Whoah, brother! At least his are out in the open.

Anonymous said...

My little Shay Shay doesn't know her dad and most likely never will. Luckly my ex and I are very good friends and he has been there for me with my health issues. He and Shay Shay are EXTREMELY close I am talking she is the apple of his eye and although I don't like the fact he will stand up for her and get on to our son who is 8 even if it is Shay's antagonizing way...He's a great dad to the little manipulator and she has him wrapped around her pinky finger.

Swamp

Pat said...

I like that story. I also know the story of your middle child and well, let me just say that you have proven to me that different family things can work as long as people love the kids. And even grief can be worked through for the benifit of those left.

Shay Shay knows how to work it. LMAO! That kid is funny.

Anonymous said...

my mom's 2nd & 3rd husbands were nuts! they both creeped me out. I was a teenager, so they would try to bother me, just little things. Thank god I got away from home! The 2nd ex husband was eventually put back in prison for child molesting. Don't think I wasn't aware of his issues. I got the hell out the day she married the bastard. Which was 2 weeks after they met! She picked him up on the highway one night after her shift at the factory, he was hitching. He had just gotten out of prison. Gawd,..she then brings him to our home. 2 teenage girls and my mom, living alone. Ok...I got out asap. He was sickening. HaHa, I used to steal his Marlboro's, he never knew! I'd fix the carton so it looked just as full after I swiped a pack! I figured he deserved to be stolen from. Creep!!! About 10 years later she divorced him, gawd the stories I could tell about them! they went on a fucking crime spree out west! I cannot imagine my mom doing that shit. But it's true. She was probably just along for the ride but willingly! He is suspected of smothering my dying grandmother to death. Was never proven. But we all know he did it. Very suspicious circumstances. Yea, I don't trust boyfriends, step dads. Never did. Watch out when Lissa is a bit older esp.

Anonymous said...

I think it's great that you are able to find it within you to accept & genuinely be okay with Liss' decision to call him daddy and allow him in her life in that way. I can't imagine how deeply hard that must be for you, but it shows your strength. You are truly a good person & you judge with intuition. No one is perfect and being bi-polar does not make someone a bad person so long as they acknowledge their disease and do everything they can to manage it. I hope A continues to take his meds and that things work out for the best whatever way things pan out with the DIL.

shmedelle said...

My good friend has bipolar, she is sweet as can be, but when it gets bad she gets delusional. I drove her to the ER one night 'cause I was sure she had schizophrenia. She was in full blown psyschosis. After a month in hosp. it was determined to be bipolar.( Her ignorant hillbilly parents gave me shit for taking her to the hosp.!) A couple of months after she was discharged she hooked up with a 30 yr old pizza delivery guy who already had a bunch of kids. Needless to say she got knocked up and now has two kids with him. He has tourette's and isn't real bright, so, he rarely is employed.
They can be really dumb, like getting $400 hair extensions with their tax refund. But, me and my friend have something to our friendship that is much more than the crazy stuff that an outsider would look at and say, that's fucked up...what a loser! When we talk on the phone we laugh and we 'get eachother', we share the same passion for art. I don't judge her life and she dosen't judge mine; we're just friends. We both have A.D.H.D. and get along swell. Her husband is a doofus, but so what, he's a really nice guy with a good heart and she loves him. Dumb, yes...doesn't spend his money on "rare" Beanie Babies (LOL) but on, "rare" comic books and he's 37 yrs old with not a pot to piss in. People can have problems and still be pretty good parents. I consider my friend and her husband to be decent parents. They are devoted and don't scream at their kids, (even when we're on the phone, she sounds like Michelle Duggar asking them to please "shush")
We are all fucked up in some way or another to differnt degrees. My husband has 2 M.A.'s and a PhD and he's a big drinker, every night, cannot stop, has tried many times. And I have major shortcomings in the motivation department, among others.
It pained me reading about Lis and her Daddy, calling the boyfriend Daddy. That took smarts for you to go to the bathroom and collect yourself before saying what you said, and it took courage for that little girl to say that to you. I got a strong feeling that she's gunna be alright.

Anonymous said...

there are so many echoes of my own life and thoughts in your writing. my family is nuts, i had a very dysfunctional childhood, and i deal daily with crazies i am related to who live next door. thanks for the blog. i laugh, i cry, i feel way better!! and i love the garden pictures and stories......