Thursday, June 4, 2009

Tipsy pots and bullshit




There's my tipsy pots. The pic isn't great. They look really good in person though, and they were really easy and cheap. Here's a good tip. Don't buy a rebar pole. Get an old standing lamp. I got one on trash day and ripped the cord out. The pole looks too big for the hole in the pot, but, it's not, because you can take the metal liner thing off. Then it's perfect and the base can be buried, making it really stable. I should have mowed the lawn before I took this picture, but, I was too tired.
*
Those old geezers about killed me today. 150 pounds of Meow Mix and six trips to the pharmacy. Six fucking trips to the pharmacy. Are you fucking kidding me? A whole trunk full of toilet paper from Dollar General. WTF? Who wipes their ass that much? I about went into a diabetic coma waiting in the hot car for hours. I forgot that I used up my emergency insulin last time they left me out there all day. I told them and told them, I have to go home and eat and take my meds, but, noooooooooo. They won't listen. Well, they do, but, they pretend they can't hear. Finally, I just went home, parked and went inside and did what I had to do. Then I resumed the fun bus. They were upset at my rudeness. I know, I am so thoughtless. I only think about myself.
*
So, I just got home a little while ago, it is now 7 pm and my day started at 8:30 with the doctor visit. You know, the one that WASN'T MINE. I came home at 5 and made that tipsy pot thing. It went quick because I had all the stuff and plants laid out already. Oh, I forgot, I used the finial off the lamp to top it off. Win/win..free/free. Then when I was happily covered in potting soil, mom came over again and informed me that I had to run ice tea out to my brother and go to the fucking pharmacy again. I did. Like I said, just got home.
*
Guess what was waiting for me when I finally got home? Jehovah Witness's. Or maybe they were Mormons, I don't know. By that time I was so beat down, it's all a blur. I slowly walked into the house, I said....absolutely nothing. They talked, I have no clue what they said but I'm sure it involved my eternal salvation. They didn't come in, but, stood at the door. Did I mention the lock is broken? I left the door open and went to the kitchen sink where the junk drawer is. I fished around and found two 10 penny nails. Then I went to the breadbox and got a hammer. Doesn't everyone keep a hammer in the breadbox? They suck and make your bread moldy. Anyway, I went to the door, shut it quietly in their faces and hammered the nails sideways through the door and into the frame.
*
Old ladies and or Mormons are out there now. They sound like a pack of ducks. I have Beck on. I turned the speakers up. They're all fucked ducks now. No one's getting in here tonight. The only problem is, 10 penny nails are pretty hard to pull out. I don't think I can do it. Maybe I can call my cousin Joey in the morning and he can crawl through a window and let me out. There's a plan. Shrugs. Fucked old ducks. They aren't bothering me. When I dug through the breadbox I found 3 Vicodin I'd hid there for an emergency. I figured this was an emergency. I'll see you in the morning. I'll be here. (Looks at the door)..oh, yeah, I'll be here.
*
Do you think they like THIS? Turn your speakers up, pussy.

30 comments:

Kathy said...

Omg, you make me laugh. My mother just gets funnier, and funnier as she ages and I don't mean in the humorous, either. Glad to know I am not the only one...nighty night!

Disherthepillwhore said...

I think Mom just shouted something about calling the cops. Since when is it illegal to nail your own door shut? Fucking idiots. I wonder if the Mormons know Donny and Marie? That'd be cool.

Naseem said...

lol You are too funny. Love the tipsy pots. I should try something creative too.

Eric in San Diego said...

Up late putzing around, and you made me laugh out loud! Tomorrow will be better...or maybe not...but you will be.

If you do have someone come over to pull the nails, just have them install a new lockset on the ol' portal there, DD! MUCH easier to use than nails...

lia said...

that was hilarious. i'm doing care for my mother too. i have a very busy cafe, you have no idea how hard we work. i start at 7 and finish at 5 tues to wed and 10 thurs to fri and run non stop all day. but i'm not open on monday, so thats the day i give my mother 8 hours care. last week i had to get roadside assistance round to get her car started (she won't sell it though she's blind and can't drive it) cause the battery went flat cause i went on a holiday and didn't drive it for her. i had to drive her round for a while to recharge battery so we went to shopping mall. i HATE shopping malls but she loves this one, its BIG. had just gotten used to it and found a parking place right next to a door into the mall especially for mothers with prams. well my mother has a zimmer frame, so i like to park there. but NO she wants to go to the K-mart entrance this time seems to be about 5km further down the parking bay. we shop, we leave but mum takes me through wrong entrance. i tell her its the wrong entrance but mum is ALWAYS right so we go wrong way regardless. naturally i can't find car. because she is ALWAYS right i am sent off to walk through the car park in the rain until i find the car. i don't find the car. i ask for help. i'm told the parking bay is a mirror to the parking bay on the other side of the mall. i go there and find the car. i try to start car but battery flat again. i try to phone roadside assistance but my mobile has gone flat too (recharger in MY car). DAM!!! we get moving again and she wants to have dinner at KFC. i see a chook and drive in but its red rooster. i hit the freeway again and find a KFC. i find the drive-thru, we can't eat inside because i have to keep car running. i buy KFC and we drive to mums place. i go to sit and eat with her but WAIT! we have to set table. she prays for a long long time, she eats, i go home. completely SHAGGED. i LOVE those pots you made, i might find some time to make them. great idea, using light stand.

Anonymous said...

You Should get that lock fixed tho...I know you live in a rural area but you never know!

Mags

Anonymous said...

Hi Pat ( I thought about calling you "Dirty Ho", since you still dish dirt and get dirty with your garden). The tipsy pots are very nice; kinda like the Equate version of the Hanging gardens of Babylon.

Jarhead

Anonymous said...

I stand corrected, it should be "dirty hoe"--no disrespect meant.

I am the original dirty ho, testament to my college years.

jarhead

Disher said...

Eric, will do.

Lia, you have my sympathy.

Jarhead..how come you call yourself Jarhead?

I think we owe our parents something..no matter how bad they sucked, but, they can't take too much. I'm not a martyr locked up in a tower. Sometimes I just tell them to fuck the fuck off. I highly recomend it.

Anonymous said...

Next time use screws. Keep a few long screws and screwdriver in your breadbox. Only drawback is you don't get to pound them silly.

crystal said...

I LOVE the hanging pots, what a cool idea and man they look good - if you said they look much better in real, not sure how much better they can get.

You and the JW/Mormons - well needless to say when I started reading I literally burst out laughing just envisioning you.

crystal

Disher said...

I had a shocking revelation the other day. Someone was preaching Paganisim to me and I found it as annoying as Christianity.

Anonymous said...

Love your Tipsy Pots! They look awesome. Thanks for the laugh too, I needed it. It's raining awful here and on the way in to work, I slipped, fell and slid down the embankment to the street! What a way to start the day with a wet, dirty ass in the rain! Just call me Grace.

Daphne

Anonymous said...

Hi Pat,

Jarhead is another name for U.S. Marines due to the high and tight haircut. I learned more than I bargained for about pain, loss, esprit de corps and loyalty while fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.

I am by no means a lifer, and tell my son (12 years old), that I would rather he stay home and lead a happy life content with himself and true to his feelings. Death and misery served-up in heaps and bunches every day for three years made me appreciate life all the more.

I was a spoiled rich kid eager to fight and apathetic about my ex-wife's feelings on the matter. Now I thank God every day that my son and my daughter are so much like her. She's my best friend and I understand her better now than I did before my epiphany.

Gardening and caring for animals, helping people and trying to be the best Dad possible are my driving force now.

Anyone who forms an opinion about the war because they read someone else's thoughts should do so with the proper caution. Taliban and Al-Qaeda don't give a shit about women, children, or anyone else who is not one of them.

My friends who died over there did so standing up and fighting the evilest of jingoists. We called each other "Jarheads", and my heart beams with pride for them and how they gave of themselves without hesitation and in true warrior fashion.

Thanks for this blog. I empathize with you because I know you have selflessly cared for Lissa and the pain in the corner of your heart is one that pings in my own; a quiet, always present pain...like breathing goes unnoticed until it stops.

Sorry for the rant.

Anonymous said...

I've been struggling with the question of what/how much we owe our parents. Mine did unconscionable things to me, but now I realize she's beneath me in every way and doesn't know better. She has no conscience. She thinks I respect her because I'm not rude to her anymore.

I now want to treat her well for my children's sake. But if I had my druthers I'd probably never talk to any of them again.

gardenhoe said...

Jarhead, don't ever apologise for a rant or long post here. I'm a speed reader and I live for comments, that's the only reason to have a blog. I thought that's what your name meant, but, I wasn't sure. I am anti war, but, not anti soldier. I feel like a lot of them are lost kids trying to do something right. Our government is fucked, if you ask me. A bunch of rich old greedy men sending kids in to gain power for them. It's always been that way. They say one thing and do another. The only people you can believe are the one's risking thier lives. Taliban and Al-Qaeda are the evilist of evil. You are right to be proud of your jarheads. If only good jarheads ruled our country, think how much better off we'd be.

gardenhoe said...

Anon with the questionable parent..I know exactly how you feel. I don't know what we can ever do about it. That's the problem.

gardenhoe said...

Daphne, sorry you fell. YOU are the reason I have tipsy pots. I'm still saving tea kettles and watering cans.

Anonymous said...

We have a lot more in common; I am speed lover, always have been!.

Jarhead

Eric in San Diego said...

Semper Fi, Jarhead. I'm a former US Navy sailor, myself, and I have a ton of respect for US Marines. No group has given more in the service of our nation. I am proud to say some of my best friends are former Marines who served in Afghanistan and Iraq. My son is now in the US Air Force, and I support him and our troops in any way I can. God love ya, Jarhead!

Anonymous said...

IMO you need to collect these LQ blog entries into book form. you are an extremely gifted writer and deserve a larger audience!!

gardenhoe said...

Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Please keep making me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Hi Eric in SD,

I am a Hollywood Marine (MCRD San Diego)-and love that city and all you rust pickers (couldn't help it, sorry). Navy Corpman are unsung heroes; that is a fact!. They have to contend with checking Marines for VD (pecker checkers) after float, rub everyones feet and cure crotch-rot, intestinal bugs, dehydration and constant harrasment from a bunch of snake eaters.
Thank you Eric, I won't mess with you anymore about being a cheerleader for everyone in the old site (which I already miss).

Anchors aweigh my brother

gardenhoe said...

Gosh. You make it all sound so romantical. Heh.

lia said...

anon: you struggle with how much we owe parents.

i'm with you. my mother has been abusing me all my life and its caused me a lot of strife as well as real pain.

but i think its her generation, they were all into tough love. luckily my father was a softie, like me, and he gave me heaps of emotional support when i needed.

its a real travesty of justice that i am now left alone with my mother and have been seeing her weekly since dad died three years ago. especially since before dad died i stayed as much out of her life as possible because it was the only way to avoid her abuse.

i visit her weekly now for my fathers sake because i know he would want someone looking out for her. and, i do it for my own sake too. if i outlive her i want to know that i was a good daughter to her and did my best for her when she needed me.

lia said...

oh yes, jarhead, totally agree. dirty hoe is a great transition from dirty disher!

gardenhoe said...

Lia, I read that, and I don't know what to say. We are all a product of what we came from. No matter how we try to change or better it...there they are.

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